How can I help her? What’s happening?

‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf’

Satchidananda

You may have gone to bed one night with a happy, curious, fun loving, quiet/chatty, calm, little girl who wanted to spend time with you.

It seems you woke up one day and she turned into a recluse, hiding in her room or isolated on her device, quiet, sullen or just not giving a crap. The technical term for this is emotional constipation.

“I haven’t given a crap in days’.

Then. Out of nowhere an emotional volcano erupts. You didn’t see it coming. You’re not entirely sure what’s going on but the response seems to be way out of proportion and she canNOT be talked back from the ledge.

She can appear scatter brained, unorganised, messy, insensitive, angry, sad, intense, isolated, wilful, and lost or even despondent.

We get emotional about how emotional our daughter has become!

Why is it easier to feel compassion for her when she is sad than when she is angry or wilful? Mostly because we make angry and wilful about us. The story we make up is something between

‘you’re out of control and I’m going to sort you out missy’

to

‘she doesn’t love me anymore and I can’t stand the rejection’.

It’s not about you, it’s biology

What’s happening is normal. It’s biological. That’s not say it isn’t distressing, annoying and, some days, well just a bit too much on top of everything else happening in your life. I get that.

Your daughter’s brain is growing connections and many of the brain’s chemicals are in a state of change. The teen girl’s brain is like a tree growing extra branches and deeper roots. Dr Jensen says a teen’s brain is ‘self-built’.

Yep. Let that sink in a bit. She’s building her brain and it’s connections through her experiences, other’s expectations and how she has perceived the world and the stories she’s been told.

The good news is this is a great time of learning, curiosity, wonder, and growth. Their brain grows connections and density through stimulation, experiences, and felt sensations. Memories made during the teen years are more enduring and it’s the best time to address any learning or emotional issues as the brain builds itself.

This is also when she starts pushing back against some of the stories, believes and expectations as she starts to decide what’s ‘true’ for her – unless we silence her self-discovery.

A teenager’s brain is also susceptible to overreacting to things like stress, alcohol, drugs, and changing environments. They find it difficult to maintain attention, practice self-discipline, stabilise their own emotions or follow complex tasks.

HINT – Give them one instruction at a time. Make your bed. Not – make your bed, put out your dirty clothes, and open your window. To us, they’re all related – prepare your room for the day – to her – overload. Write a morning ‘to do’ list and help her to get organised and schedule daily jobs.

I think it’s important to understand how this is playing out in her brain. It helps us to not take it personally.

Emotions – Brain development (Yvette style)

Let’s start with some basic brain science. Now don’t tune out.

This is useful to know. I’ll leave out most of the brain chemical names because I’m not a scientist, doctor or nurse and, well I don’t think it’s overly relevant. We just want to have a bit of understanding about what’s happening in her body.

The brain isn’t like an arm.

You have one at birth and it just gets bigger.

Your brain actually develops and changes significantly as you age, especially through childhood and adolescence. Her brain is impressionable, flexible and she will make connections during this time that will likely impact the rest of her life.

Your teen responds to life through her emotions, not reason.

Her frontal lobe, which is responsible for executive functions like decision making, judgement, planning, and impulse control, is the last to finish wiring connections and firing on ‘all cylinders’.

1 – The brain develops from the back forward

Let’s take a trip back in time.

Picture your daughter when she first started pulling herself up on the lounge and coffee table.

Feel it?

That mix of excitement, pride and worry that she’ll fall. But you know it’s part of the process. Part of her body learning how it works. It’s her brain making connections to do with balance, spatial awareness and muscle coordination. So you cheer and encourage her to do it again.

That’s how the brain develops. From the back forward. The back of the brain is primal functions like learning to coordinate our body and manage our senses. The last part to fully connect is the frontal lobe (executive functioning).

2 -Sex hormones just had their volume turned on and up

Did you know babies are born with all their sex hormones?

It’s like they’re there – but turned off or their volume is muted.

Then. Puberty. Boobs. Hips. Menstruation. Mood swings. A whole lot of behaviour is blamed on ‘hormones’ and ‘puberty’ and we think it’s difficult to live through. For us.

What do you remember about going through puberty? The body changes. The relationship with your parents and friends. Do you remember changing how you spent your time? Do remember how you felt?

I seem to remember it being pretty rough when I was 11, menstruating and feeling like I wanted to scream/cry/fight all the time. I was just a kid. I don’t remember too many up times. But it was a while ago…

I remember being terrified the other kids would ‘know’ and mum wouldn’t let me shave under my arms (our primary school uniform had no sleeves as I lived in mining town in central Queensland and it was really hot – with no aircon). My teacher wrote my mum a note to ask if I could please shave under my arms because the other kids called me Ape girl. Charming.

It’s useful to think about your experience, especially when your daughter is pushing your buttons. It helps build compassion, and helps you remember it will pass. You will all survive this 😊.

Why does the turning on of sex hormones impact her emotions?

Sex hormones are particularly active in the emotional centre of the brain (limbic system) which causes emotions to change quickly and unpredictably. The limbic system is the brain’s crossroad for integrating emotions and experiences. And these brain connections are just being created.

Sex hormones (estrogen and progesterone) impact teen girls differently to women because they have only just become ‘visible’ or turned up in their brain. These hormones impact how they respond to a stressor/ environment/ sibling because the teen girl hasn’t had the experience yet of dealing with stress with her sex hormones turned on. It’s A LOT.

I’m talking to the mums now (well some of the dad’s might have witnessed some of this). PMS. Right. Those couple of days we experience each month. She’s there now but it’s not just a couple of days a month. It’s anytime. Only she has no language for it.

She doesn’t feel the heat of ‘you’re freekin kidding me’ at the smallest thing and have the insight to say – OH. I recognise that little moment. I must be kinder to myself and pause before I respond (well that’s what we should do).

We benefit from our experience and we have had the chemicals turned on for many years. This is all new for her.

The new sex hormones cause her stress, particularly if she doesn’t understand it’s completely normal, she will learn how to live with her new brain chemistry, and she hasn’t turned into a crazy person.

But wait. There’s more.

3 – Desire for stimulus + poor choices + lack of insight

The good news is the adolescent brain is set for learning and imagination. Her hippocampus is primed for encoding and retrieving data and memories. She will seek stimulation and ideas. Her mind is open, flexible, and excitable.

The hormone changes, unfortunately, also create a brain environment where the teen girl seeks risky emotionally charged experiences like reading sad books, watching scary movies, trying new things, (plus getting deep in girl drama and other forms of stupid). At the same time, they are less able to make good choices because their brain chemistry is off, they are less likely to learn from a negative consequence and … well they’re young and inexperienced.

So to recap. Hormone chemicals make her more emotionally volatile and she will seek stimulus (sometimes risky) but doesn’t have the capacity yet to make safe/wise/self-protective choices.

4 – What helps us, hurts her

Our adult brains release THP to help us hose down stress and anxiety. It calms us and we move through it (unless we keep chewing it over, talking about it with anyone who will listen and dramatizing the whole thing until it’s stuck in your skin – but that’s another blog).

THP in a teen girl escalates the stress. Her brain chemicals make her stress worse rather than better.

Stress comes in so many forms – school, family, friends, internet, work, sport, expectations…

So not only is she feeling new and confusing sex hormones, seeking stimulation (sometimes risky), and poorly equipped to make good choices – her brain is receiving a chemical that turns her anxiety UP, rather than down. No wonder it feels … bad.

5 – Cortisol is higher in teen girls

Science tells us that cortisol, the stress hormone, is higher in teen girls than in the average adult population. Cortisol is linked to stress, anxiety, worry, anger and loneliness. Add to this the sheer number of stressors in a teen girl’s life (public speaking, peer bullying, peer rejection, academic/ sport/ music success expectations) – it’s little wonder our girls are prone to stay in fight/ flight/ freeze survival mode. Their adrenaline and cortisol mix to create a powder keg of emotions. It’s also little wonder they disconnect and seem to go into themselves. I guess it feels safer there.

In turn, stress impacts her ability to learn, remember, respond, and make healthy choices. All reducing her ability to cope and understand that what is happening is manageable, with support.

A small ship in a large ocean

An analogy is her adolescent brain is a small boat in a huge ocean (her environment) and she has a loose rudder (ability to choose wisely where the boat goes).

Her brain will grow into a larger boat (fully connected) where the changes in the sea are less felt and she is better able to choose her course.

Hopefully this information will help you to find compassion for the little girl pulling herself up on the lounge as a toddler. She’s still in there and still needs you to cheer her on and make sure she has a safe place to fall and the courage to get up again.

Tools for you

Look after yourself

Care for yourself so that you can be there for her without making up stories in your mind about how inconsiderate, selfish, demanding and unpredictable she is and how this drives you crazy. All you can do is pause. Breath. See the little girl in her. This is easier when you are in a good place. Parent’s put the oxygen mask on first.

Explain this stuff to her.

Reassure her that her brain is working itself out and it does get easier and calmer. You’re here to help, listen, wipe away the tears and take the anger too on occasion – but not for too long.

One thing at a time

Give instructions one at a time. Discuss one topic at a time (don’t hit her with a list of things she’s done wrong/forgotten). Help her schedule her day and week. Set up a calendar of due dates for assignments and exams, sport events, dance/boxing whatever is her thing. Put it in a prominent place. Add commitments as they arise. One thing at a time. It is manageable. Calm.

Choices create consequences

Spell out consequences at every opportunity. Yep. You’ll get the dreaded eye roll, but you want her to know that with independence comes responsibility. Getting in the car with an unlicensed/ intoxicated/ drugged driver is likely to end in death, injury, arrest, or some other form of future limiting consequence. This is part of our language.

‘Your choices create your consequences. I trust you completely. If you are in a situation where the safe option is to call me – Call. Anytime of the day or night and we come’. Or this one –  ‘If you yell at or swear at a teacher – there will be consequences. Rules are a part of every society, organisation and family. Most rules are designed to keep everyone safe and set a standard of behaviour that benefits everyone. I don’t care if ‘she’ was being a cow. ‘

Let her sleep

Research indicates they need around 9.25 hours. Let her sleep late on weekends. She will also stay up late. That’s how a teen’s body works. Overscheduling doesn’t allow for sleep ins. Naps are great. Sleep is when her brain prunes and adjusts.

Go to nature

Walk bare foot on the grass. Lay on the grass and make pictures in the clouds or stare at the stars. Go for a bush walk or swim in a rock pool. Hug a tree (my kids love it when I do that!!!)

Circulation sex meridian path trace

This one helps my daughter and I enormously. Do this to feel more balanced. Here’s a link to a short YouTube instruction.

Reference

Much of this content comes from this great book

Jensen MD, F.E. 2015 The Teenage Brain – A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults, Harper Collins Publisher, London