Self-care is Selfish

Self-care. I was told it was important and I’ve been told by MANY people that I was poor at it. I just never saw ‘self-care’ as a priority. There is so much else to do. Anyway, I was raised to not be ‘selfish’.

Here’s what I learned in my family –

• When the work is done, you can have fun/play
• Be seen and not heard
• Leave the best to last
• You can’t have desert unless you eat everything on your plate
• Rest is for the wicked (said tongue in cheek but apparently that stuck)

And the big one

• ‘Hard working’ is the most valuable quality of a human!!!

Yep.

In my family if you thought highly of someone you would say they were a ‘hard worker’. That may be followed by ‘although he isn’t particularly kind to his family’ or ‘although she couldn’t be trusted with money’. All character flaws forgiven if you were a hard worker.

Good working-class programming. I get that now. A cultural conditioning to make more ‘good workers’.

I had ‘hard working’ parents. We were, from time to time, very poor. My Dad changed jobs like his undies. My mum worked as a nurse when she could. My mother prioritised everyone else at all costs – mostly hers. We never stayed anywhere long enough for Mum to make deep friendships (although she was warm and loved by many). As a child it felt like they worked hard so we could enjoy a camping holiday and go fishing once a year.

Self-care? Never heard of it. Hard working people just hitch up their petticoat and get on with working hard. No time for self-indulgence. We get 4 weeks a year to relax and have fun.

I’m lucky that both of my parents have a great sense of humour and made their workplaces fun so I did learn that work was fun and enjoyable. My husband’s family story was that work was hard and horrible.

So my adult life begins

In my 20s – working, doing my Masters, got married, and working hard to please everyone. No exercise. Weight gain. Live for my holidays. Do some great holidays 😊

30s – had two children, my husband started a business, and we did some great holidays. I worked in a very difficult culture. There were wins at work but eventually, there’s just no juice left in the tank.

Self-care. Still haven’t heard of it. Not in a way that feels relevant to me.

Outcome. Burnout. Exhaustion. Resignation. Spiralling. Looking for a better way (by that I mean a better job because I still think that’s the answer).

I fall across Reiki. I’m told I need to look after myself and do this thing ‘self-care’. That’s ridiculous. Who’s got time for that. I’ve got to get my shit together and get a job.

Get me well so I can cope with working hard again.

I got a call to work with Mental Health Clinicians – yep. I get the irony.

We travel the State teaching practitioners and I notice that every course has an element of ‘self-care’. There it is again.

Now I can see what you’re thinking – I’m a slow learner – actually I’m bloody clever, but this self-care thing just pushed against one of my core values (selfish people are bad) and I couldn’t see it.

I read and taught research on suicide. I taught suicide management to mental health practitioners (with a clinician – I was there as the education specialist to co-facilitate the sessions). I had previously studied research on gender schema and social class conditioning. The realisation began.

I grew to recognise my conditioning

Self-care can be difficult for people to understand, particularly if you are from a working-class family, in a caring profession/position and female. We are conditioned to put other’s needs first. We are conditioned to ‘work for holidays’ or worse ‘work for retirement’.

We were conditioned to care more about what we looked like or sounded like to others than what we felt like.

We are conditioned to pick up on cues when the people we love (or mere acquaintances) are unhappy, unwell, or unsatisfied and we go out of our way to offer help or support.

Yet rarely stop to acknowledge and support ourselves when we’re in those same states.

We were not conditioned to care for ourselves first.

We were not taught that we need to look after ourselves so that we can look after others better. But we do.

We were not taught that looking after ourselves is an act of self-love and self-love is a foundation for a strong, courageous and loving human. But it is.

We were not taught that looking after ourselves is an act of self-worth. And we are worthy.

I pushed against – or just ignored – self-care because I didn’t see what it really was.

Self-care is an act of self-love and self-worth. And it appears to work both ways. To acknowledge and accept my self-love and self-worth, I needed to practice self-care. The better I care for myself, the better I know and love myself.

I practice self-care when I feel low or flat. Well I did.

Recently I’ve made an adjustment. During a session run by Chenae Carey I realised I was using self-care as a Bandaid rather than a practice.

My new rule is FEEL GOOD FIRST.

So what do I teach my daughter?

Make and use a bliss list, practice gratitude and fill your cup every day. Laugh. Capture happy memories in your mind’s camera and replay them at will. Practice mischief whenever the opportunity arises. Be kind to yourself and others. You are only responsible for your happiness. You are loved and you are worthy of love and success. The goal is to feel good and good has many forms – happy, challenged, enthusiastic, excited, calm, peaceful, and even scared (when it’s about stepping up and in).

What’s a bliss list?

It’s a list of the little and big things that bring you joy. Bubble baths (although she does this while watching Netflix!), laying on the grass in the sun on a winter’s morning (I live in Queensland), meditating with my feet in the pool, holding hands with my honey, reading a book for fun, movies with the family, weekly extended family dinners (loud, laughter, memories), coffee with a girlfriend (although they’ve mostly gone to tea WT). You get the picture.

My feel good first practice

Every morning I do something that feels good. My gratitude diary and at least one other thing. At the end of the day, gratitude practice and at least one other thing. Then I chuck some other loveliness into my day as the opportunity arises. I teach through example.

I have noticed I took the words ‘self-care’ out of my language but feel good first makes sense to me.  

How do you lead by example?

So my challenge to you is to encourage the children and teenagers in your life to feel good first … and watch your language. Let’s condition our children to love and care for themselves. Imagine what their lives will be.

Have you asked your children what makes them feel good?

When you find out – encourage them to do more of that. Don’t worry so much. Just give them to tools to check in on themselves and feel good first.